The darker it became, the darker the thoughts of the current youngest kit in the clan became. Her day had consisted of what most of her days consisted of, sulking and trying to find some way to just wither away. Her brother had attempted to play with her and even managed to get her to eat today, but the small morsel of food she had didn't last long. Then again, it was more than she normally had in a day...her mother had made sure to give her the least amount of food as possible, telling others that the kit just didn't want to eat. And everything was her fault, she even had the physical scars under her fur to remind her of it.

From birth she had been shunned by her father, and even her own mother. Her father had tried to kill her, and his death was on her conscious. She had caused him to be killed that day...it should have been her. She was weak, useless. Let's not forget to mention the next moon of her life where her mother spent her time with her brother, ignoring her daughter. Her mother had starved her, showed her no affection, made her feel as if her father's death was her fault. And to Smallkit, it was. After hearing it so many times, it slowly sunk in. She had caused his death. As if that wasn't enough to break any cat, her mother had tried to finish the job her father had started only to be killed herself...once again right in front of Smallkit. Now she had two deaths on her conscious. They were both her fault, and she was left to burden it all. Her brother had been lucky, he had been born large and looked just like their father. He didn't face their mother's wrath. Smallkit was just not meant to survive, she had been told this far too often.

When she had learned that no cat blamed her for the death of both parents, she was baffled. How could they not? She was there for both of them, she had caused them to not be around her! She was alive and they weren't. She didn't deserve their sympathy or anything, she deserved an even worse fate than her parents! Why couldn't the others see this? She was just this tiny kit, no bigger than a newborn, who couldn't do anything right.

And here she is, almost a moon after the death of her mother. Still, no bigger than most newborns. She ate as little as possible, letting her brother have most of her share of what was brought to them. She ate just enough to wake up each day. It was what her mother had done, and Smallkit was only respecting her wishes.

Getting onto her little paws, Smallkit watched as her brother was busy playing with others. She couldn't do that, she didn't deserve to be happy. Making her way out of the nursery, Smallkit watched the camp for a few moments. Why did ShadowClan still want her around? Maybe if she just left everything would be better. Yes, she was sure it would be. Now that her mind was made up, she just had to figure a way to do this. Her white fur was still ungroomed, it wasn't as if anyone helped her groom it. Her brother tried, but it was just too much. But she couldn't think about her fur right now, it mattered as much as she did. There was only one problem, the leader had made residence on the entrance of camp. He seemed lost in thought, maybe she could make it out without him noticing.

Looking back toward the nursery for one moment, she knew this would hurt her brother but he would move on, he was strong. Smallkit made her way to the entrance, trying her best to avoid other cats on her way. Her green eyes were cast toward the ground, not even thinking of looking up. When she reached the entrance and the large cat, she hoped she could pass right through...but she couldn't help give one last look to the nursery, where her bad memories were constant.

Notes: Wow..totally made this a little darker than I originally planned...don't worry she cheers up eventually.
Tags: ashenstar , other SC cats

Bad memories just continued to haunt her every night. It was hard to get a full night of sleep, it was doubtful she ever had. Even living with her mother the sleep she got was usually minimal. So her eyes were tired, her body was tired, her mind was tired...point is she was just tired. The nightmare of seeing their deaths constantly played in her mind and she found that even in waking moments she daydreamed about it. Even closing her eyes for one second weighed heavily on her. But she didn't want to worry her brother, he was too happy and kind to face this pain. She didn't want to ruin his life even more than her being born had. If she hadn't been born, he would be an only kit with both parents to love and dote on him..not the vengeful duo they had experienced. He deserved much more. She would be doing him a favor, he could forget all about her and only have himself to worry about.

It seemed as if delaying had caused her to almost change her mind. But still, she knew it was better this way. What she had expected to happen was she would just walk out of camp, and curl up somewhere and freeze to death, or be eaten by an animal of some kind...after all very few animals were smaller than she was. But like everything else in her life, expectations are not reality. The reality of it all came crashing down when she heard her name spoken. Great, she should have known better. Ashenstar was the leader for a reason. He didn't become leader just to have a kit sneak past him.

So when her name becomes a question, she just simply nods. Yes...that is her name. At least he called her by her name, unlike her parents...they just called her useless or weak. Hearing her own name still sounded strange to her, sure her brother called her by it, but usually the two needed no words, just the simple 'hey' or 'whats up' worked for them. Besides, if she was looking at her brother, clearly she was talking to him, not some cat named Bigheadpaw.

And then came the inevitable question, the one she did not want to answer but knew she had to. It was the leader of the clan, and he deserved to know. She stumbled over her answer for a moment, not even dare looking at more than his paws. She couldn't look a cat in the eye. So to answer his question, she gave him one of her own. "I'm going to go disappear. I can't be here anymore, I don't need to hurt anyone else. I'm a danger to the clan, and I should not be allowed to stay, or even live anymore." Smallkit mewed, her voice almost as small as her body. "My family didn't want me, and my brother doesn't need me. He has friends, he will be fine. I'm weak and useless and I will never be a warrior, I'll never be anything other than a bother to the clan." And there it went, the mantra that her parents had instilled in her from birth. The words she spoke were hauntingly steady and well-rehearsed, as if she had said them millions of times, which knowing her parents she had.

Notes: None
Tags: ashenstar

It was all she could do to not have her mouth wide open, gaping in awe. The leader of the clan was right in front of her...the Leader! Not just some ordinary warrior, or even an apprentice who was speaking to her, but Ashenstar himself. To this kit this was a huge deal. She couldn't wait to tell her brother....wait not. She had a mission that didn't involve speaking to her brother, or well...speaking to anyone. She couldn't afford to get distracted by things such as her one and only brother. She had places to go, things to do, missions to complete. Ones that didn't involve others.

How could anyone lie to the leader of the clan? This was Smallkit's first thought right before she spoke. Better yet, how could anyone lie to well...another cat? Smallkit, despite all of her physical and mental pain, and so much turmoil, still had a slight innocence about her. Lying was a concept not easily grasped for this young kit. Most of what Smallkit was thinking pretty much came out of her mouth, whether it was intentional or not. It wasn't as if she ever had the chance to lie either. She never really saw her father, he really only ever came to the nursery to see her brother anyway. The only time she truly saw him was that day...And her mother only ever spoke to her with her claws, or the retorts of how weak and how much of a burden she was. All she really ever had to speak to was her brother. And now he was starting to drift away from her, so instead of lying to him she would just keep her mouth shut. The words she spoke to the leader were the absolute truth, lying was not in her vocabulary.

Smallkit was no ordinary kit. Due to her history most kits didn't want to play with her. It was usually either one reason or another, sometimes a bit of both. Some saw her as the kit who killed her parents (obviously gossip from the queens had been overheard here), others saw her as the tiny kit who was extremely fragile. Either way, no one really wanted to play with her. Even if the queens told their kits they had to play with her, it wasn't them making the decisions, it was the queens, and the kits usually tired of Smallkit soon anyway, ignoring her shortly after the queens stopped looking. Her brother fell in the latter category. He was starting to grow more and more, while her size had not changed. He was now easily twice her size, as were most of the other kits in the nursery. Only newborns at this point were smaller than her. It was almost like a right of passage for the newborns...see who was the first to get larger than Smallkit. That's when the older kits would play with the younger ones. Blazekit was afraid to play with his sister like he did other kits, not wanting to hurt her. She was sick of the pity looks he threw at her when the other kits asked him to play and she wasn't invited.

But the moment she heart his voice once again saying her name, Smallkit chanced it by looking up at him for a quick moment. The moment lasted a few seconds at best, before she realized she was staring and immediately looked back down. Wait...he knows her pain? This caused green eyes to quickly look back up in disbelief. The words that followed were ever harder to believe! No, she was a burden, she had to be, she was told she was! She had to be one. And what did he mean by her parents being unjust..they were just being her parents, she didn't know parents were suppose to act different. Wasn't that her fault? It always was her fault, even if she wasn't around blame was placed on her. Why is he taking responsibility for it? He wasn't there! Her eyes were full of perplexion. "But my mother said I wasn't even suppose to be born, I wasn't suppose to live past a few hours at most. It was my fault my father wanted to hurt me, and didn't want to pay attention to her anymore. So it's really not my fault, it's theirs? I belong here?" her mind was swarming with questions, and only a few were able to surface, and escape from her mouth, others continued to just cloud her mind.

He had to be joking right? The whole clan doesn't need her. But she was able to crack a smile at the thought. "I'm not strong, I'm weak." she protested, a little less confused this time as she spoke these words. The words still haunted her and trying to chance what had been instilled in her would take time, not just seconds, but possibly moons. His encouraging words, although, were starting to break down a few walls, even the walls telling her she needed to stop giving him eye contact and look at the ground. Her gaze was still steadily on Ashenstar.

Smallkit's eyes were now widening even more. No one ever told her secrets, she never had someone who even wanted to talk with her, with the exception of her brother. She was definitely interested in this secret. A secret from the leader should be really good! And she would keep it a secret no matter what. It wasn't as if she had anyone to tell it to anyway. How was she stronger than Ashenstar, though? He was huge! (Then again to Smallkit apprentices were huge)

Now he was getting to her level, it was easier to see him now. Her neck was really sore from looking up (it wasn't used to looking up at all), so it was nice to give it a break. He had lost family like her? But she didn't kill them like she had. It was her fault her family was gone. "Did you hurt them like I hurt my parents?" her question was sincere, her head even tilting to the side. Now he was saying she had control. Well at least she had something in the positive quality column. The negatives list wasn't near as long as it was. The more she spoke to Ashenstar, the longer the positive side was growing and evening out the negative.

His next words made her stop and think for a moment. Why did ShadowClan not need her? There were plenty of reasons still she could think of, but the main one that was still on her mind came out first. "Cause I won't be able to hurt anyone else if I'm not here. You won't have to worry about losing warriors, or other kits losing their parents just because I'm around. Everyone dies around me. I won't let that happen to others. I'll just continue to make ShadowClan lose all of its good warriors." eyes went back down to the ground as Smallkit felt her energy depleting.

Notes: Ashenstar makes me melt. XDD
Tags: ashenstar

Smallkit's green gaze was faltering, the little kit was trying her best to keep her attention on the leader but with so many other sounds it was hard. Despite the lateness, she could still hear things rustling and moving, and being a kit and keeping her attention on one spot for more than five seconds was quite an accomplishment. Smallkit was still young, still had that short attention span, but she was fighting it. She was itching to go investigate, but knew she couldn't...not yet. Talking with the leader was a privilege, and for all she knew this would be her last talk with him, she would make it count. He was showing her kindness, something that she was reluctant about. Kindness from her parents had never occurred, just spending the time to talk to her was the best thing in the world.

Blinking she didn't understand his words right. Her mother wasn't suppose to hurt her? But she was bad, she wasn't suppose to be born. That was her fault. "But I needed to be hurt, I didn't look like my father and that was my fault." her head was tilted to the side in confusion. And what was this nurture word he spoke of? Did that mean that she wasn't suppose to hurt her? How can it not be her fault, everything bad was always her fault. Her eyes were now once again on the ground, so much confusion was in her mind right now. What was real? What was lies?

But the more he explained, the more Smallkit was starting to understand. Maybe everything wrong in her life wasn't because of her, it was because of what was done to her. A small sliver of realization dawned in her eyes as she looked back up. He began to speak of those who was hurt again, and she nodded. "If they were here, I'm sure they would love you." Her little face brightened up at a thought. "I could be your family! Then you won't have to be sad like me! I can try to help with your pain! I promise I can be good, I won't even move, or speak if you don't want me to, I usually don't anyway, so that's not hard!"

Ashenstar's next words really brought an excited look to the kit's face. If she hadn't been bright before, by now she was beaming. She didn't know what the word advisor meant, but if the leader needed one, she could do it! He was right, she was small (hence her name), and she did know the good hiding spots in camp. No one would ever see her. She thought about it for several moments, debating on whether or not she could do this, but the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to do it. It would involve her actually staying and getting rid of her previous plan though...which was hard. "I'll do it. But if I start being bad, let me know, I'll stop and leave so you won't have to worry about me anymore." If all else failed, she could always just redo her plans later on, maybe sometime when Ashenstar wasn't around.

Notes: Apologies this took so long.
Tags: ashenstar

In just the short time she had been out here, she could already feel a difference in the temperature. The nursery had been so warm, like usual. It hadn't been too bad when she first stepped outside, but now she was starting to feel a slight chill. A shiver ran through her body, but she wasn't moving or doing anything about it. She had been conditioned to just sit and take it, no matter what the temperature she was not allowed to whine or complain. Complaining only made the scars deeper. So early on she had learned to keep her mouth shut tight. Sure, her body could take quite a bit, it had to at this point to be able to survive what she had, but still the sun had gone down long ago. And to think she had planned to go out in the territory, all alone. With her being so small and not having the thickest pelt, it wouldn't have taken long for her to freeze to her death.

His words brought out something Smallkit couldn't describe. She could do that...he wanted to be around her? Well that was a first. There was a surge of something deep inside. Is this what happiness felt like? He was breaking down her own walls, the walls of self-doubt and sadness. The walls were still there but they were slowly minimizing in just the short time she had been speaking with the leader. A smile of her own appeared, something this little kit was sure wasn't possible for her to do...that is before meeting and speaking with Ashenstar, even if this encounter had been by chance.

When her assignment was given, she nodded, trying her best to sit straight and tall to prove she was big enough (or well small enough) in her case to get the job done. This was her big chance to prove to all the kits, and anyone who was skeptical about her. It as an assignment from the leader himself, she couldn't fail. But this was something she could do. He had made sure of it. And then the kind words started, the words of encouragement. He wasn't yelling at her or making fun of her. He was just simply being kind. She was flabbergasted. This was new for her, having so much praise, even if it was little any praise was new and exciting. Her eyes were wide with this new happiness feeling she was experiencing. "But I don't have friends. They don't talk to me....but I can tell my brother!" The thought of her brother sent something inside her once again. She had almost left him, and for that she felt guiltier now that she was staying.

Smallkit had another shiver go through her body, and her small frame was definitely feeling it now. The large tom was so close that Smallkit couldn't help herself. She pressed her body into his larger one, sighing in relief. He was warm! "You are so nice. I wish you could have been my father." came a quiet mew from the kit, as she drowsily spoke. But then a thought occurred to her and suddenly bounced back up. "Can you be my new one? I promise I'll be the bestest kit ever!" she mewed.


Notes: n/a
Tags: ashenstar